A year ago, my dad died. It was unexpected and sad – one of those moments you know will eventually come, but it is still a surprise sometimes when it does. Immediately, my family moved into action to learn more about what happened, plan his funeral services, and tend to his affairs. As can happen, some of our dysfunctional family patterns showed up as we tried to move through this difficult time. Luckily, there were 6 capable adults in the family (aka all of us) who could distribute the burden and address different things that needed handling. As I reflect on how friends and family showed up in those initial days and weeks, I recognize several moments where a better understanding of grief and how it shows up for different people could have helped us navigate that time more smoothly and how others could have shown up for us in ways we needed.
Grief — specifically the death of a loved one — looks so different, depending on the cultural context. Some cultures allow for weeks of formal grieving. Others only give you a few hours or days. I think the United States falls more in the latter category. Yes, some states and companies may offer you more time off, but employees tend to have to use more personal time versus receiving official time off for bereavement.
The way we talk about grief to ourselves and others has also typically been taboo after a certain period of time. In a culture obsessed with productivity and positivity, grief talk can be seen as a downer and “negative.” Some might even say it is low vibrational to keep talking about death. I wouldn’t, but, even in more progressive spaces, we struggle with allowing ourselves and others to grieve openly and in different seasons of life. There are some losses you will never truly get over; you just learn to live with them and let them shape you.
The research and media on grief has changed over time. We understand more about different phases we may go through, thanks to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and many other grief researchers. We know that people grieve differently, and many of those processes can lead you to the same outcome no matter which one you choose. There are countless guides on how to be more present with your grief. Folks have learned to offer concrete ways they can help those grieving versus saying, “Let me know if you need anything.” Some ambitious people have even authored clickbaity pieces on how to “hack” your grief. Here are some of the things I believe are helpful to understand grief better.
Internal and External Processing
I have several friends and family members who are therapists like me. This can lead to a lot of talking and emotional expression that even the closest friendships aren’t used to. We can use all of the psychological terms and share, share, share until it becomes exhausting and it no longer feels helpful to keep talking about things over and over. This is an overdose of cognitive processing. There are many other ways to process grief. We need to experience both internal and external processes at varying degrees to get a deeper and meaningful experience.
Internal Processing
Your raw thoughts and emotions about the loss let you know how you are really doing. Our thoughts may include thinking through the timeline of the death, considering how others are thinking about the death, recalling memories with the deceased. Your emotions may range from heartbroken to angry to indifferent. Being mindful of these thoughts and emotions helps you to process them. Noticing shifts in how you think and feel is also a natural part of internal processing. Some people feel overwhelmed by these thoughts and feelings until they learn and practice techniques to be present with them and let them pass. One of my internal processes is dreaming about the deceased. As someone who tends to feel connected spiritually and psychologically in the dream space, I feel peaceful as my subconscious takes over and sends me messages.
External Processing
How you express grief outwardly is considered external processing. This includes talking to others about your grief, but that is not all external processing can be. This can include writing in your journal about it, singing, dancing, or creating other types of art to move energy from the internal to the external. External processing can include going to therapy or a support group to engage in these activities with other people. One of my favorite external processes is letter-writing to the deceased. I can feel more deeply within myself and express myself in ways I couldn’t quite access only when my thoughts and feelings swirled around in my head.
Blending Both Types of Processing
You may have read through these types of processing and saw yourself using one type of processing more than the other. Some people naturally gravitate more towards the internal and others towards the external. In my life, I tend to think and feel deeply, though I do not always share the extent of my thoughts and feelings with others. Sometimes it is exhausting to share so much since I’m both an introvert and an empath. I need to preserve energy for myself and often find solace in recharging solo.
To my more extroverted friends or friends who focus more on external processing, it may seem like I am too reserved or not “really” processing things. But the opposite is often true – I have already done a lot of internal and external processing solo and just want to exhale and do something else when I am with them. If I share about my grief, it is to connect with them and keep them updated but not necessarily to further process my grief. How people blend internal and external processing is deeply personal and can look different depending on the type of less and season of life someone is in. We can lean into curiosity and away from assumptions in this regard.
Speeding Up and Slowing Down
When responding to death, I often see a tendency to speed up or slow down. This was definitely the case with my family. Some people sped up, responding to what they saw as an unfolding crisis, and others of us slowed down because we felt the main crisis – Dad’s death — was over. Some things were time-sensitive and required attention, yet the sense of urgency presented itself at varying levels for my family. I believe part of that was because it didn’t require that everyone respond to the same things at the same time or in the same way. We could distribute some of the load, wherever possible.
My mom admittedly had to shoulder most of the load because she was my dad’s wife and the person he designated his affairs to when he eventually passed. So the urgency made sense in her case because some things had to be sorted out ASAP. My siblings and I helped coordinate things she needed and made arrangements to be with her, though that looked different for us, as well. We flew out to our parents’ house in California at different times, and I chose to work throughout that entire period because I had a private practice with no backup therapist or reserve funds to live off of. I also knew I would need the money to make all of the other trips and accommodations that would come later that summer. Not everyone would have made those choices, but they made sense for my circumstances and what I understood the situation to be at the time. For my mom, she sped up to attend to things only she could do. With my more slowed down, methodical approach – definitely something I got from my dad – I could assist her in making decisions and offer a sense of groundedness as we physically went through his things.
I should also mention the influence of neurobiology and nervous system responses here. Having ADHD, another neurodevelopmental condition, and/or significant trauma can impact how you function in a real or perceived crisis. Feeling like a crisis is happening can impair your executive function and cause you to significantly speed up, slow down, or freeze. You may develop tunnel vision and be less cognitively flexible. This can cause friction in relationships as you are trying to collaborate with others. Impulses may take over. You may become more sensitive or emotionally reactive to things that would not have made as big a difference in other circumstances. It’s challenging to navigate, and it’s also an opportunity to shift relational patterns that are deeply rooted.
Attunement and Trust
While my dad’s passing was unexpected, I cannot say I was completely surprised. My intuition had been letting me know for several years prior to his death that his time on earth was coming to an end. As he aged, he had more health problems that needed tending to, though he was still fairly independent and self-sufficient. I started to make trips to see him more and wanted to eventually help with end-of-life care once he lost more of his functioning. I got my therapy license in California because I was planning on eventually moving there to be closer to him specifically for that purpose. The last time I visited him was for Christmas 2024. He died a couple of days after his birthday in 2025.
When I got the news, yes, I was surprised at the timing because he had been driving around, exercising, and engaging in his normal routines up until the moment he died. But I was not struck by it in the same way. I keep a dream journal, and I had a dream that my dad died on the morning we believe he passed. I did not take it as foreshadowing, but when I looked back at that journal entry, I understood why my reaction was likely not as strong as some would expect. I had already been given the information to start processing as real-life events proceeded similarly to how they were laid out in my dream.
Not everyone understood the level of attunement I had to that whole process. Some people felt I was being too independent and not reaching out for help enough. Some thought I wasn’t allowing myself to grieve deeply enough. Neither of those things was true for me. I had enough preparation to move through that process and be a support to my family. I let myself feel my feelings, and I had a lot of them about my dad and others during that process. I had also accepted years before that there was a level of psychological distance between my father and myself that situated my grief for him at a more superficial level. We didn’t have a very close or emotionally deep father-daughter relationship.
Pay attention to your intuition. Let people use theirs. Don’t project your grief experiences onto others. People are having experiences you know nothing about that are preparing them for what’s about to come. Some people have enough experience to understand what they need, and sometimes it isn’t what you think it is.
Grief is Hard
Even with all of the newer developments in the grief space, it doesn’t take away from the fact that grief is still hard. It can get messy for individuals, families, and others navigating the loss. We don’t always show up as our full or best selves. We often have to extend compassion to ourselves and others. We may need space from people and situations before we come back to engage.
Moving through grief is a complex push and pull on several levels. I just want us to understand this process better. As we get older and have the privilege of aging, we will see our loved ones die around us. And we will carry those losses with us. Integrating those losses in ways unique to ourselves will shape us and the futures we are creating.
Do you or a loved one need support processing a loss?